Thursday, February 22, 2007

Fear

Fear, you'd think that by now I'd be so comfortable with this sidekick of mine. I've learned all of his quirky habits. I've bowed down to all his desires. With 40 closing in fast I think I've found a way to kick most of him to the curb. A strange thing is happening to me now. I've turned down the volume on this evil bully. While following the laws of yin & yang the volume is being turned up on my soul. Wow, what an amazing friend my soul has been. She listens, she purposefully nudges, she sees reality, she teaches with only my intentions at the heart of the lesson. She pushes me when I need to stretch. I'm listening to my soul. I never thought I could feel so at piece writing believing in my soul...ME. I'm slowly realizing that I DO matter, I DO count, I AM worth feeling good just for ME. Such a simple concept. So many times I did it via a rote message. I can't believe how blissfully different it is when MY thought provokes a change rather than another persons epiphany.

I have struggled with my weight ALL my life. Recently, I've just been feeling achy and tired. I know my body is screaming at me that it can't do all the work - it needs me to do my share. I've always thought I've had an athlete living inside of me. I've coasted on the benefit of good genes and spiratic bursts of energy to fight this battle. All of that is coming to a screeching halt. I am afraid I'm going to die. Too Soon. Death is a fear I've had all my life too. It's a concept that could be easily interchanged with abandonment. I feared my parents death until about 2 months ago when I started on this journey to me. Somehow when I trust myself - I don't fear others leaving me. I'm trusting myself to take care of me.

I'm getting a clear and loud message from ME...I had a dream last night...it ended with me driving through a red light on a quiet street and down a hill to a stop sign. A car, facing the wrong way had two terrorist gunmen inside. No windshield, they open their jackets to show me two rifles and two long red plastic name tags hanging from their necks. My car is directly behind them. They look me straight in the eye. I slouch down behind the wheel of my car. I can't hide anymore....they fire, I know I'm going to die.

This dream, disturbing as it is has been, was a blessing to me. It has made me listen....I plan to keep listening for many years. Believe it or not, I DO believe I'm on a better path. I worked out this morning. Something I haven't done in 3 months. All the planets came into alignment and I wanted, no, I NEEDed to go to the gym and take care of ME. You have no idea what a new SOLID thought this was for me. It was as if my soul went into overdrive. I know better...I'll do better.

And, of course after all this ME, ME, ME talk I stray and fear and wonder how to spare my boys this pain. Perhaps, sadly, just their gender, in our society, will spare them most of it. I hope I fill in the rest.

And, I fear you will not keep reading this...Don't be afraid. This is so good, I'm just getting started with the honesty of myself. It's so nice getting to know me.

Damn glad to meet ME!

2 comments:

Carrie said...

Well...that is a phenomenal post! I think many of us have the same fears, but it is hard to talk about them, much less put them down into words. Good writing. Congrats on getting the start of it down on paper (screen!). And I'm "damn glad to meet" you, too!

Mel said...

What a great expression of your inner thoughts. Sounds like you have started a new journey . . . congratulations!