I knew being the kind of mother I wanted to be would take every cell in my being. I signed on the dotted line knowing full well that I didn't know what I was fully getting into. Including realizing that by being the mother of two, it would feel like I needed extra cells to cover every ones neurosis and insecurities, including my own.
My older son has been waking up around 4am lately. I've stopped the struggle with walking him back to his own room and getting him comfy in his bed because I have come to the realization that he needs this connection. I'm not fooling myself into thinking that it will be difficult to change this cycle...instead I'm praying for a morning when he will wake up, go to the potty and return himself back to HIS bed. I know I'm dreaming. I secretly LOVE this snuggling. However, yesterday, at 6:15am, my 1.5 year old woke up and I went to get him out of his crib, change him and then brought him into our, now, family bed. (I think I just won for longest runon sentence) The older guy climbed on top of me and made sure he took up ALL of me. If you know me, that's a Lotta momma. My younger guy sat as close to my head screaming until his brother moved an arm or hand so that he could get his piece of me. In the best sense of the word. Although I loved them fighting over being soothed by me I can't deny that my older son needs more of me. I'm trying to carve out time for he and I but he is making it clear that he needs more of me. Doesn't he know that I'm working on having less of me? If only it were that easy.
My mother has a perfect visual descriptions of this dilemma. It is a small statue of an egg with a bird on top. The bird is stretching its arms, legs, beak and all trying to cover and protect this too big egg. I always thought this was a cute statue. However, now I know exactly why it means so much to her....and now me.