TWTW....

So many people come up with great ideas for the start of a new year. Some take photos every day for the year. They put spins on this such as self portraits or sharing the process with best friends that have multiple oceans between them. Others start an exercise regimen and I suppose I felt like I needed a "something" to latch onto for the year. I haven't totally abandoned the exercise regimen but for now this is in the forefront.

I've given up my commitment to some of my other blogs and decided to focus on mine for the year. I love this creative process so much and didn't feel good about spreading myself out all over the place without ever really being anywhere. So, my "THING" this year will be, TWTW a.k.a The Week That Was. Don't get me wrong. I'm not one for living in the past. As my father says, "Don't look in your rear view mirror". I love photographing my family, friends and I'm usually the one drawn to archiving a moment in one way or another. So, I thought, since I have yet to finish my younger (he's 2) sons baby book, that this would be a document to cherish in the future and one I can thoroughly enjoy creating in the present. So, on Sundays(ish), because I'm just being realistic and kind to myself, I'll post an update accompanied, hopefully, by a picture or two about TWTW. I plan on posting a time or two throughout the week but I thought that I'd create a plan for at least getting one up/week. I hope you'll enjoy the first issue. To be out this Sunday(ish)...I know I'll enjoy the pleasure of putting it together. I'm already looking forward to the pretty leather bound version of the first volume - 2008, The Week(s) that Were.. Ooooh, I'm really getting into this. See you Sunday(ish) if not before.

Memories (Picture This)

First of all, you should know that this is Me. As in, the one swadled quite cozily in the blanket. As memories go, this was perhaps my first. After having my own kids...I think this strikes up a whole batch of new memories. I really love this pic and something about the fact that my Dad is holding me seems extra special, especially in the 60's. Don't feel bad Mom, I know you took the pic and in the way of Baby books, I didn't pull the long straw so thank you for snapping this shot.

Check out other Thursday Themes at Picture This

the Mommy Ballet

I'm not going to even list an excuse as to why I haven't posted in so long. I'm just going to go with the fact that I post when I can and when time and creativity align. I'm not sure if it's PMS or the parenting world of guilt that are attacking me all at once. I'm sure it's all of the above. I feel like I'm disconnected. From myself, my social life and most of all...my sweet boys. How is it possible that I can work and be a good ENOUGH mother, wife, self? It's an internal battle I have constantly. I feel like their childhood is slipping away. How do I hang on to more of their sweet innocent yumminess? How do I make sure I'm preparing them for adulthood, self assuredness and the big world? How does anyone do it?

Last night I was concentrating on focusing only on them. It felt so good. We had a great evening of playdough and made our own animal train with the noises. At bedtime, they both got into their PJs and washed up and then I created the Mommy Ballet. I picked them each up independently and danced with them the way one dances when noone is looking and sang and spun and got on my tipitoes as well as a few dips and kisses. It sure made up for a crappy day and I think we all slept with smiles. My oldest felt the need to conduct a marriage ceremony for my husband and me. It was very cute and then he wanted us to do the "married dance". How precious. I have to remember this feeling so that I can remind myself that I'm not the worst mother.

Happy 2 Year Old Boy

I can't believe my youngest is two. It sounds so cliche' but I really don't know where 2 years have gone. Little one, you are my giggle guy, my easy sleeper. You have few words but communicate so easily. You LOVE to say my name and your hugs and kisses are hypnotically sweet. You have an uncanny way to brighten any sour mood and I relish coming home to hear you run to me, from anywhere in the house, while singing my name. You are patient with your brother, who isn't always the same with you. You are fiercely independent and think that anything your big, 5 year old brother can do, you can too. You make total strangers smile as you emphatically wave and say "Bye" to anyone you see. You easily make a game out of any small task and you adore washing your hands and wiping the table. It's hard for me to believe that just 9 months ago you were learning to walk. Now, I can't get you to stand still. 9 months before that you were just learning to crawl. Who knows where you will be 9 months from now. You never cease to amaze me. Your disposition is beautiful and I hope you continue to infect everyone with your gorgeous smile and your outrageously sweet laugh! I feel so lucky to have you in my life. I can only hope I steer you towards all the skills you need to stay so happy and peaceful.
I love you my sweet...Mom.

*I've also used this for a BSM...check out others HERE

BSM-Tickled

This summer I had the pleasure of meeting the ONE, the ONLY, Tracey Clark! I was tickled, to say the least. You rock Sister! Please keep us posted on all your NEW and fun adventures.

Check out other Best Shot Mondays Here.

PMS & LIFE Make My Heart Hurt

Have you ever had one of those days weeks when you felt like nothing would ever go right in your world again? I'm hopefully FINISHING up that kind of week. I start a new job tomorrow and I suppose that and a healthy dose of PMS has really made me do some reflecting on my job as a mother, how I am to myself and me in general as a person. First of all, I have to laugh because I just haven't thought of ME as a person in so long. How sad. Another post topic indeed.

Well, DH had to work today. I feel the family is so disjointed when he has to work on the weekends. Today was additionally harried in that my almost 2 year old has been waking at 5am every morning for so long that I can barely function. DH leaves the house about 28 seconds before my youngest starts stirring and then immediately belting out the tears. It's almost as if it's choreographed. Every morning it's the same thing. I scoop him quickly from his bed so as not to wake my oder son. I have dreamy thoughts of snuggling with my young son in my bed as we both drift off to sleep for a couple more hours. EVERY morning I find myself getting more and more cranky as this plan never works. Somehow, in my own self deprecating disturbing way, I blame myself that he's up so early and that I must be a bad mother. My crankyness and raised voice do not help my case any. Don't ask me how I link the two but somehow I make that head trip during PMS each month. Some Visas should never be issued and I wish the governing party of PMS would stop being so generous with theirs.

The fact that it was raining cats and dogs this morning accompanied by phenomenal thunder made me;
a. not want to get out of bed
b. tell my older son that I'd take him to the movie Ratatouille.

I'm sure you aren't surprised to know that 2 hours later the sun had no cloud competition and her rays washed all over the city. Lovingly & thankfully, we met my folks for breakfast and they immediately commiserated and helped me divide and conquer with these two "curious" yet lovable little boy souls of mine.

How do you love two boys so much and feel so much strife in parenting them all at the same time. Two hot emotions that are such different ends of the spectrum. I constantly feel like I want to be "THERE" for them and yet there are so many details that have to get done. Afterall, I'm just one person . . . . who ends up doing an awful lot. How do I do less chores and still have good credit with my kids AND the bank? I'm not talking about keeping a clean kitchen. These are real life chores that must be tended to. So often I imagine playing ring around the rosie with my boys and having carefree times with them. I always find my very next emotion is devastation in that my oldest is starting kindergarten in the fall and his "at home Mommy time" is OVER. I always thought I'd be home with the kids the first 5 years of each of their lives and I feel like I've failed as a Mother because I haven't held to that. Our family needs the double income. Part of me would have died if I left the workforce for 5+ years. However, I feel that sacrificing ME has been a sacrafice that they will feel forever.

There is a family member on my husbands side that keeps a flickr account. They always make me yearn for the ability to give my children the carefree CHILDhood that this extended family is giving to their daughter. Trust me, on a single income, teacher salary they don't have millions in the bank. We aren't striving for that either. However, the choices that they have made are choices speak to their very strong sense of self. Their daughter is learning about life IN life. Getting dirty in Mother nature, exploring through a pumpkin patch or in a fantasy world of pillows and blankets. The images never have a "c'mon, we've got to get going" flavor. Instead, there is a consistent feeling of exploration and wonderment. What else could a parent ask for for their childrens growing up years? The fact that this extended family hasn't embraced our family only makes this wound sting more.

Motherhood to me was always a feeling of "filling". I'm so scared that I've created a void in them. I'm fearful that they don't feel strong in the who of who they are. I'm scared I don't have time to "fix" it. At 5 and 2 I can't tell you how close to 18 they feel. This pressure I put on myself is deafening, suffocating and yet so natural. How have I existed this way for 40 years. I'm at a cross roads and I hate that I feel like I must choose. I can't choose between me and them. They will always win. I just wish I felt stronger and more prepared as an adult to handle and help shape them into the self assured boys and men I strive for them to want to be. I'm terrified of failing. How do I BE the person, mother and wife that I've envisioned. How do I know when I get there? Is it ever too late? Does PMS exaggerate these emotions or help me to remember not to let them slide under the radar...my heart aches for my boys, for me... yet I yearn for a progress report from some all telling, unknown source to inform me that I'm on the right path no matter how my heart hurts along the way.

What a difference a DECADE makes

One of my dearest friends emailed me today to see if I was enjoying my last day of my 30s. I stopped, froze is more like it. It seemed so real to me. On one hand I don't feel like what I envisioned 40 to feel like. I do feel youthful but still too tightly wound. I'm sure that angst ages me and not in a prolific way.

July 24th, 1997 - I was with my family as I celebrated turning 30. Personally, I was preparing to walk the Chicago Marathon as a quest for such an auspicious milestone. I've always set goals for myself. I'm also known to doubt myself and then surprise myself for the same goals. It's quite a contradiction and yet, it somehow adds excitement to my harried life. It's just how I'm programmed.

At the same time I was single. Dating a lot for a change and enjoying a young single city life. My sweet dog was often my after work companion. It was difficult to make my overworked work life mesh with that of a human. All was pretty good but secretly I wanted more...the fairytale. A husband, 2 kids, a yellow house with a front porch and a white fence...pickets optional and of course a dog.

What a difference a DECADE makes.

July 24th, 2007 - I now sit in my home, which, albeit not yellow, is a nice shade of khaki. Although my dog of 12 years has passed I've been blessed with a husband who helps me remember what it feels to be loved. We've shared in the experience of making and raising 2 gorgeous sons who can make me laugh and exhaust me all at the same time. It's probably not such a stretch that 10 years ago I drove a Jeep and now it's been replaced with a minivan. The dog, who will someday join our family WAY down the road has 2 goldfish in it's place for the time being. Work is still too many hours but in a much more fulfilling way. A new position starting next month is very exciting.

My personal goals change frequently. I'm getting much better at making them attainable instead of impressively overachieving. I don't find as much fun in that stress anymore. I'm getting closer and closer to being good to me. Putting myself on the to do list. Resting, eating better, feeling free to laugh, celebrate and not be so goal oriented. Finding the joy in my children while not letting it be the only joy in my life. Balance. I'm working towards balance.

I feel like this last ten years flew. So many life milestones. It scares me that my next decade will be at 50. Only I would plan a mid life crisis. I'll have to add that to the "I'll work on it list"

I did it. I've got the fairytale I longed for. I'll have to be careful what I wish for in this next decade. Being goal oriented can be dangerous. Here's to balance, peace and happiness.
Happy Birthday to ME!

Time Out Harry Potter

I'm not the biggest Harry Potter fan but I do love a kid free night out with my husband. When you add the fact that this was free and before anyone else got to view the film....I tell ya, I got goose bumps. I'm not hard to please, I know. The icing on the cake was the fact that we saw it at the Navy Pier IMax theatre which meant that we saw it on a humungo screen AND...got the full experience of watching a portion of the film in 3D. Way cool.

Oh, I'm sorry, you want to know how all this happened. I wish I could tell you that I knew people or that I was cool or that I was even lucky. Bummer, I can't fess up to any of those. However, good news...you could be cool and lucky too. Check out Time Out Chicago, and a host of other major cities in America and several other countries as well. They have a great feature that allows them to email you free movie premier tickets. We responded to one such email and poof...we were in the VIP line.

I must say, I, like Harry, Ron and Hermoine have certainly aged since the last installment of the series was on the big screen. For the movie rendition of the 4th book, My husband thought it would be great to see the first showing at midnight. I was very pregnant and at the time enjoyed myself but hated everyone, including him, the next day. This 5th book experience was a much improved... better for our marriage too.

I won't waste anyone's time giving away secrets or tidbids about the film. Go see it. You'll enjoy yourself. I did.

PS - Being at Navy Pier got me all excited for BlogHer. Hope to see you there.

Catching up to NEW

The house I grew up in was sold when I was away at my sophomore year in college. My family often jokes about needing to leave a forwarding address for my brother and I to find our way home at Thanksgiving break. It wasn't quite that dramatic but it makes for a better story. My parents have had a home in the rocky mountains for almost my entire life. This is the last standing structure with which our memories are etched in the woodwork. We've owned the house for 32 years but it was built 5 prior to that. Hence, the 1960's avocado counter tops and yellow refrigerator were really starting to bug my mom. Furniture, in our family, found its way here. 1000 miles west of our permanent residences, mine now included, to live out its final days. Nothing in this vacation house matches and we've enjoyed that ease of living. No worries that the kids would ruin something. Everything was perfectly worn in.

Having my own children enjoy this house now is quite bizarre to me. When I brought my oldest here for the first time, 5 years ago, and unpacked his little onesies and other necessities, I broke down at the idea that my child's items were being stored in my baby dresser. As he grew he started sleeping in the brass bed that donned my adolescent room for nearly 18 years. I have sat and played puzzles and games with him that my brother and I enjoyed when we were his age. The list goes on and on. Now that my younger son is coming up through the ranks it's that much more meaningful that these memories live on. I should be clear in stating that it's not the things in the house as much as the feeling in the house. A feeling that has been poured into the fabrics of the items inside. Many items carry a story all their own. The grandfather clock that only gets wound if my father is visiting the house. The dining room table that almost didn't make it through customs when my parents visited Mexico 40+ years ago and has had held holiday dinners, group gatherings as well as gin rummy or scrabble championships. Memories of laughter and family times are in every support beam and every mismatched, out of date appliance and accessory.

Last year my parents decided to level the house and build a new more expanding family friendly monstrosity. NooooOOO I exclaimed. I shared my above thoughts with them and they realized that they too had similar attachments to these peeling stucco walls. We compromised at renovating the existing structure. Keeping the footprint and updating much of the inside. My mom has a knack at altering a space while keeping the end users purpose of the space in mind all the while. I trusted her implicitly. After all, she too was attached to the memories of the house and the family times it stood for. Heck, she started this whole family experience that has now touched three generations. I knew we were in good hands.

In the past year she has made several renditions to the blue prints. Made even more trips to home imporvement stores to pick out appliances and countless trips out here to pick finishes, oversee construction as well as make sure that all was going as planned. It was not easy but she did it. This was not something any of us were willing to leave a stranger to handle. She willingly agreed to take on the mammoth details that a project like this requires - all the while living 1000 miles away.

My husband and I joined my parents out here last week. We seem to always find our way out here to spend the 4th of July holiday together. We love the cheesy small town parade and all the kid friendly activities. The clean fresh air is a pleasant relief from the city lives we all live. We are still in awe of the mountain peaks that make up our front yard view as well as the safari we sometimes see on the road at anytime of the day. The healthy activities and all the time we spend outside in the pool or with nature are endless. Although we mimic a family friend in saying that this is a magical place...I think I agree with him now and it really is no joke. This place is paradise and that is how I felt about this home. I'm a homebody so I get attached to where I live. I was fortunate to even call this vacation home my primary residence for 5 years after grad school. That, of course was a lifetime ago.

This trip was the first time I had seen the "new and improved" version of our family retreat. It is incredible! My mom did an amazing job. My father and I find ourselves saying, "It's like a new house but it's the old house". That was exactly what we were going for. I have to say that it's nice to go to the bathroom and actually be able to close the door all the way. Especially with a toddler running around. The water pressure is a huge improvement. The furniture is mostly the same. Some of the more tired pieces have found new homes. The kitchen is the most drastic change. Although it is all glammed out, it still has a rustic and homey feel. I see a picture of my son and I at the same age in a similar field of wild flowers that donns the wall. Special materials have been salvaged for memories sake and used in different ways. I love all the new doors and the warmth of the heated floors in the cold morning. The fact that all the towels match is bizarre but kind of nice. I feel like the house got a face lift. It's the same soul on the inside but the exterior has been refreshed.

We've so enjoyed the visit thus far. We can't wait to add new memories to these new materials. The fact that wireless internet is available everywhere in the house isn't anything to baulk at. I still go to the old trashcan location and find a refrigerator there instead. I have yet to find all the new light switch placements. However, I have to admit that this is my third day here and I'm just now emotionally catching up with the new digs.

Thanks Mom...you and Dad have created a legacy for us to cherish for many many many more years to come.

8

As of 6pm CST, I will have been married 8 years. EIGHT years. Wow, what a reflective place. We've made it through paper, cotton, leather, fruit, wood iron and copper. We certainly don't follow any gift giving guideline. However, as we fall upon bronze this year it seems fitting to present my mate with a gift to show what a balancing act marriage can be. The little human figures that make up this visually simple 4 letter word actually displays what a human feat it is to compromise and contort to make this union of marriage work some days - especially when kids are involved and you add a healthy dose of exhaustion. I must say that DH and I have had our share of knock down, drag out disputes. What couple hasn't? We have persevered. The infamous seven year itch didn't get the best of us either. I believe we are in it for the long haul. The good, the bad and the ugly. Lately we've had a wonderful dose of good. The kids are great, they show love and compassion towards themselves, each other and to us. We are communicating better. Our house has been transformed recently to a sea of (more) calm than chaos as well as more organization. I don't know exactly what to chalk it up to other than all the stars have aligned and we have worked our backsides off to make these things a commitment and not just wishful thinking. It's another thing I never knew or expected about marriage, parenting and growing up.

I endured a long bought of post pardon blues with my second child. It was a long haul to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. However, I can say that I made it. I finally look to myself as the adult and don't pine for my childhood days to be repeated. I'm looking to the future and it looks good. Fun, Hopeful. HAPPY.

With a 40th birthday 40 days away....what more could I ask for? More years I guess....especially when things are feeling so right. it sure beats the alternative.

I'm happy.

I'm Good at ...

I spend so much of my time beating myself up over what faults I have. I'm going out on a limb here to investigate what I'm good at, for a change. I often see posts on others blogs regarding things that make them quirky or have a negative self image to them. Heck, I'm guilty of it too. It's an attitude too many women take regarding themselves. I know I'm guilty of it on many occasions. However, this is a post to share what I feel confident I'm good at. Five examples feels like a tall order but I'm taking the challenge none the less.

1. I have an amazing "stick to it" attitude. The shear fear of failure will get me through just about any task.

2. I am excellent at parallel parking. Stick, Automatic, big van or compact. I'm your gal. I've been known to get out of the passenger seat only to get in on the driver side to park.

3. I have learned several computer programs by hands on, trial and error. Excel, Quickbooks, Photoshop, Word, My Publisher, Roxio Video editing etc. It's just the way I learn best. These types of books are great for reference but they just slow me down and confuse me.

4. Returning...this is not a trait most are proud of. However, I can return just about anything to just about anywhere. I'll have to include selling stuff on Craigslist here as well. My father jokes that if anyone stands still too long they risk being sold too. It's like business... (check out #7) I just love the banter and the victory over a good sell or return.

gosh....I'm really staring at this #5 wondering what else to list. This is so sad.

5. Mothering. I think I'm a great mother. FAR from perfect, mind you, but I have a mothering personality. I have an uncanny sense of how people are feeling without them having to tell me. My nickname in college was mother. One that I'm not always fond of but it was endearing none the less. I can tell exactly when my kid are going to melt down and how to soothe them. When to tease them and when not to. Along with Mothering I'm very good at organizing. A group, my office, a project...Again, it's just how I think and it comes in handy while mothering quite often.

6. Creative. My creativity is usually electronic these days. Printed books of my images for different events. Videos edited to include a keepsake for some celebration or another. And, I've recently acquired a 19" digital frame that hangs in our kitchen to display my images and our family's continued expanded memories. My youngest has started to learn names of many of our family members just by watching this frame.

It's so like me to actually list 6. Had to prove something. What I'm proving I don't really know.

So, what are you good at? Post it and link it back here!

The start of the positive revolution.

Wait for ME!

STOP WORLD!

These last few weeks have come to a screeching culmination. I want to play the biggest game of freeze tag where everyone freezes and I get everything put away & processed. I need to get caught up on errands, projects, chores, work and organizing. Hey you, no cheating. I don't have anymore days to borrow from or free time to use to do these mundane things. I feel like I can't breathe sometimes. Even a vacation seems like too much work right now. I just want everything in its place and every surface clear. I'm making decisions that involve many layers and I'm not thinking clearly. It's so not like me. I hate my cell phone. I just want to be free!

Then - I really want to move at lightning speed to keep up with everything and start to work on ME! Is this ever going to happen?

I must go...
rush to the next task...
hurry......
Someone PLEASE press pause for me.

Some Assembly Required

Many people have theories on how a couple should "test" their relationship before they walk down the isle. Some experts suggest counseling while others offer a checklist of discussion topics before knowing that this soul mate is "The One". I've decided that assembling furniture or toys together should be added to the list. Just think, IKEA could have a new tag line..."Swedish furniture, meatballs AND a litmus test of your relationship...all in One warehouse!"

My Husband and I will be married 8 years next month and, like other couples, we have had our share of struggles. There have luckily been more ups than downs to our history. Whether these difficulties have included family, finances, work schedules in relation to family time, rotating the tires, social plans or disciplining the kids. they became yet another measurement from which to test the strength of our relationship. We could have easily thrown in the towel on some of these shared experiences but alas we are still going for a strong shared future together. In hindsight, I think that some of these struggles have actually made our union stronger, even though, at the time, I would have thought differently.

Our communication has always been a beacon for us. It's simple really...I tell him we need to communicate better and he remembers to do so. : ) All kidding aside, we both work very hard at keeping each other in the loop as best we can. This is a tall order but one we are committed to working at. We, and I mean that in the best sense of the word, know that when WE don't know whats happening in each others lives, WE start to crumble.

Over the holiday weekend I purchased a new patio table. It amazingly accommodates 2 more people in a smaller footprint. Thanks to Craigslist, I recently sold our older mismatched, too large set. I started assembly by myself earlier in the day but the heat meant we had to head to the park with the boys and spend some time playing in the water. However, I'm very goal oriented and knowing that the project was only half done meant that I really REALLY wanted to get the new table together before we went to bed. My husband offered his assistance quite willingly.

We have put many things together. We've had numerous opportunities to get a system down pat. I like to make sure we have all the pieces identified before we start. He likes to peruse the instructions. He gets MY drill * and revs it a few times as if it were a handlebar to a motorcycle.

(Zoom in on that magnetic tip feature...Love it!)

Generally, I then read each step to him. He does that step while I prepare the pieces for the next step. It really works quite well. It took us 2 cribs, 1 desk, many bookcases and a changing table to really get this all down pat. However, we learned that drawers are tough and it's ok to say, "I don't know where this piece should go". Sure we've had our spats. Sure we've cursed the directions and of course we shared a few 4 lettered words louder than under our breath. BUT, we've always succeeded. We haven't even had to call the helpline if it was available OR had any extraneous pieces left over. We persevered the tough times. A real testament of our relationship.

So, Dear Hubby, thank you for helping me with the table. I hope we have many more opportunities to enjoy the result of our hard work as well as to continue our team work attitudes. May it be a lesson we instill in the boys.
------------------
*I only make it a point to say MY drill because I love tinkering and fixing things and have my own, Do it HERself tool set that has remarkably fixed most everything in our house. Yet again another quirky non traditional quip about me. My husband did not own even a hammer or a roll of Duct tape when I met him. (Correction: my husband has informed me that he did indeed own these items, just couldn't necessarily find them under the mounds and piles in his domicile.)

I'm not judgin'...I'm just sayin'. : )

Chinese Freeze Tag - MEME

I was tagged by Barely Controlled Chaos and was initially excited...'my first tag". However, this is a daunting task. I want to come up with things that are exciting. What if I realize I'm not exciting. What if others think of me as dull? I won't know unless I dive in I guess. So, here I go. Here are some interesting facts about me. Who knows, maybe no one will even read this.

Here are the ground rules so to speak: I write 10 interesting (ahem…you decide how interesting they really are!) facts about me and/or habits of mine.- I’ll “tag” someone else and then they have the option/obligation to write their own MEME.

1. I lived in Aspen, CO. for 5 years. Taught skiing, worked at a posh 5 star hotel and a mom & pop ski store. I managed a deli (not having any food handling experience) and left the corned beef out overnight. I worked at the local public school and city daycamp and had a thoroughly amazing time skiing over 100 days each season and hiking, snowshoeing, swimming etc every summer. I saved the most amazing dog from the pound who was my companion for close to 12 years. People often stopped me on the street to tell me how great he seemed...They were right.

2. When I returned to my hometown from Aspen, I decided that the concrete jungle wasn't going to get the best of me and decided to walk the Chicago Marathon and raise money for Leukemia along the way. They had an amazing program and I fulfilled my dream of completing a marathon by my 30th birthday.

3. While in Aspen I hiked to the top of the tallest peak in Colorado (14,444 ft) with my best friend and her now husband. We were so exhausted when we got back home that we went to a movie that night and she lost her camera proving we were at the summit. We KNOW we were there and that's that. I believe I have an athlete living inside of me. I'm very well coordinated and have amazing balance. I can't imagine what my body could do if it were "normal" I'll let you know when I get there. I know it will shock me.

4. I have felt that I am defined by my weight for my whole life. It's a hangup I can't seem to shake. Nor an attachment I can't seem to disconnect from. I recently found over 1000 slides from my childhood and had them digitized. I was absolutely shocked to see that I was of normal size. My memory is way different. I am so sad at how much of my life this burden has taken up. I feel closer to a solution now, more than ever. My solution will not include pills or surgery.

5. As long as we are talking about being fat, I think it's a great time to discuss my favorite snack. It's pretty much a staple in our home to have tortilla chips & salsa. A splurge would be to have fresh guacamole. Yum!

6. I was born with only two bottom center teeth not 4 (go look in mirror...you probably have 4) I have the most difficult time getting my mouth numb with novocaine. I've stumped 2 dentists and at least as many oral surgeons.

7. I love business. I love to talk about business and entrepreneurial ideas. I love to know how things are made. I love to be creative in making a buck. I love to streamline processes. I love a good blue pen. I love cleanly shaven legs. I love the smell of my children's hair after it's washed. I love lilacs & tulips. I love my digital camera. I love fixing things & using my own tools. I love being prepared. I love a clean car. I love to learn something new. I love technology. I love using "....". I'm sill learning to love me.

8. I don't recycle. Nor is my city properly set up for it. I haven't done anything to help change it.
9. I often worry that I'm not a good enough parent. I often wonder if there is a litmus test to check such a thing. It is often a very black and white discussion I have with myself. I often say often too often.

10. I always cry in movies when a dad walks his daughter down the aisle

11. I love John Cusack and Zach Braff. The humor and sensitivity they portray seem to be a great combo.

OK, in hindsight, it wasn't so bad. 11 just to prove to myself that I don't have a limited amount of interesting things regarding me. That's so me...having to "prove" something. I think I clarified some stuff for me along the way. I hope you will try it...I hope you found one or two things of interest. If you are reading this, consider yourself tagged. I don't have the heart to pawn this pressure on anyone else. If you do your own Meme...please comment here with a link to it.

Happy 5th Birthday

My Dear Sweet First Child....
I can't believe you are 5 years old. I don't know why 5 is such a big deal. Somehow it just is. So much has happened in this quick time frame. I'm celebrating too. YOU made me a Mom 5 years ago. What a special gift that was, and continues to be. I like to think I have taught you many things. You have taught me too. Although I have taught you how to walk, rationalize, question and more, you have taught me that my heart can get even bigger. You continue to amaze me with the questions you think up and the sweetness you have in you towards me, your Dad, your little brother. You have shown such compassion towards intangible concepts too like mother nature, infinity, G-d, love, heaven, death just to name a few. I was lying in bed last night trying to figure out where 5 years have gone. It seems like just yesterday we were bringing you home from the hospital and trying to figure out how to change your diaper without you peeing on us. I wonder how many diapers I've changed in these past years.

Although I sometimes feel extremely taxed by you and your brother, I can't imagine wanting it any other way. You see, being a Mommy makes me want to make you and your brother feel safe and feel like you are getting what you need in any given moment. I know that sounds like a tall order and believe me...it is. Sometimes I think you need to be more independent and that is the hardest need for me to fulfill. I want you to still be my first little baby and yet I want you to be sufficient and continue to trust what daring moves you can trust yourself to do safely. Lately those have been all connected to your new bicycle. I love watching how rugged you feel on your new bike. The training wheels have given you a sense of security that I sometimes wonder if I have missed in instilling in you. You like to show me how you can ride while standing up and sometimes while you ride you like to take your hands off the handle bars for a quick second. I'm certainly not ready for your training wheels to come off anytime soon. You also love to jump. Nana & Papa gave you a mini trampoline for your birthday. You make up all different jumps that include straight legs, spinning around, closing your eyes, arms up and sometimes you like to put all of them together. It is always so nice when you give your brother a turn. You gently hold his hand so that he can get down safely.

I'm a worrier... I worry that I'm not spending enough time with you. Is there even such a thing? Is it ever possible to spend enough time with you AND enough time with your brother? How do Moms of many more multiple children do it all? Last night, while I was thinking about you and how you've grown, I was trying to come up with ways for us to be together and play. PLAY...not my strong suit. I don't know why that is so difficult for me. My goal for now is to focus on letting you teach me about how to play. No agendas, not too much framework...just relaxed interaction. Somehow I was thinking that it needed to involve getting dirty in the back yard digging up worms or something. See, I feel like I need to map it out. I'm going to work very hard at not working so hard. I want to spend this summer with you, when you are not at camp, and do carefree things. Wouldn't it be fun to visit the beach, try gardening, make bubbles, swim, make/eat Popsicles, have a lemonade stand and throw water balloons? Those all sound like such fun and the makings of wonderful memories to add to those we've already collected.

You are getting bigger, taller and wiser. You can count to 100. You can count to 20 in Spanish and 10 in Hebrew. You are starting to read and spell. You make the most wonderful cards and you recently learned how to cut a heart out of a folded piece of paper. The wonderment of that was priceless. You showed me at least 7 just at breakfast alone and were very happy to announce that the leftover paper made a beautiful frame for another project. You love to fold. You told me the other day, when you were folding a towel, that, "When I grow up I can work in a store and fold clothes and things for the customer people." You are so delicious I can't stand it. You love to sing. We make up songs and you like to sing in your Jacob Made Up Language. The best part is when you try to teach me these songs. You love to dance too. I love it when I put on the music and we all dance together.

You seemed to have fallen in Love this year. A wonderful girl.."B". I think it's funny that you were infatuated with that letter a few years back. You often tell me that you are going to marry her and that she is "Your Love". You are disappointed when you can not sit next to her and are always eager to remind me that your wedding will be at 7:30. She is a wonderful girl and part of an awesome family...I'm so happy that you are happy but perhaps you could put marriage on the back burner for now.

As for a future profession, you've had lots of top pics...Never the traditional fireman, cowboy, policeman etc. that I normally associate with little boys. Sometimes you mention wanting to be a garbage man so that you can ride while standing on the back of the truck. Sometimes you want to be a "payer" (cashier) so that you can press all those buttons. However, you really give me run for my money when it comes to negotiating. Daddy and I often say that you will be a lawyer when you grow up. You always see a new angle to a situation and I hope that will serve you well one day. Right now, it's very exhausting. : )

We drive by a large police station on our way to school. You always have many questions regarding this facility. You constantly ask why they have a truck police car and when I ask you what you think they use it for, your most recent comment was, "Maybe a bunch of police people go to a play together at a theater". I just about fell out of the car. First, I have to commend you on always saying "people". Rarely do you say policeMAN or WOMAN. I find this very interesting. But the fact that you picked a play in a theater was so advanced. I love this creative thinking of yours.

Daddy is coaching you in TBall this year. You are a New York Yankee. It is so nice to see you guys have so much fun. He bought each of you a new mitt and a bunch of baseballs. Everyone comments on what a great swing you have. Although you say you are bored in the outfield...Daddy says that you guys are working on grounders and last week you said you had fun out there.

All in all I think you are generally a happy kid with a lot going on his head. You are always thinking, analyzing and measuring a situation. You are usually kind to your brother and I LOVE to watch you teach him new things and see how excited you get when he does something for the first time. You have a big heart and I love to see you grow, learn explore and teach. I love you so much from here to "affinity" (cuz you are just too cute when you can't say INfinity)

Happy Birthday my sweet first born.
Love,
Mom

Best Shot Monday

We were asked this week..."What tangible object makes you feel like a Mother?" I was thinking about this alot, especially with my son turning 5 recently. I was getting very nastalgic and attempting to remember all the details of his first year etc. I decided that since I had the pleasure of growing and carrying both boys inside of me that their belly buttons were partly my skin. That is something we share that no one else can buy, wrap or package.

One Sunday night we started photographing all our belly buttons on a whim....I never knew I'd be posting them all here. Dad is here too because we wouldn't have these perfect belly buttons without him. If you are looking for something a bit more traditional...please check out this great neclace too.

And as always...check out other BSM here

What kid needs R&R?

Note: This photo was taken by my Big Brother

I love when spring feels like summer. This was one of those moments when I was able to really have fun with the kids and not worry about all the othe stuff we worry about. Trust me, it's no beachfront getaway but then that would make me worry about bathing suits and such so...This made me smile & relaxed and therefore...my entry for this weeks Best Shot Monday.

* I encourage you to click on the picture to see the larger version...it's bound to make you smile too.

Check out other BSM at Picture This

Blogging Material, if for Nothing Else

I had to en dour the task of buying bras the other day. Having not purchased a new one since my younger son was born (a year & a half ago) I was more than overdue for replenishing such intimate apparel. This time frame is a perfect example of how I loathe such an errand. However, I'm really working at being better to "ME" so I sucked it up and made room in my schedule.

I went to the same family run business that I've been going to since I received that first training bra...even before I needed it. It's the perfect place to go if you are in need of any undergarment or bathing suit. They seriously have EVERY size color, clasp and solution you might ever need, want or wish for. They even have two options of dainty little heels with feather boas on the toes but I assure you that this is not that kind of place. This is also not the perfect place to go to if you are thin skinned regarding your body image. Having the selection they have for such items....everyone goes there and I assume many grin & bear it as I do.

Although they probably haven't placed one in many years, I would have to assume that this store's help wanted ad would read something like this:

Mature, very Mature, female wanted for intimate apparel sales associate. Applicant should have acrylic nails - well kept and painted with trendy color. Will also have beige or black orthopedic shoes and the ease to play at least 4 rounds of Jewish Geography with at least 2 generations. An uncanny ability to deviously insult customers while smiling and making customer second guess the insult is a must. Simultaneously handwriting sale while swiping credit card and manipulating cash register at a painful snails pace is a plus. We don't train...most likely, you are just this way. *Cold plastic tape measure will be supplied to the correct applicant.

I really don't mean any disrespect. I know that sounds silly, but that is JUST the way this store is. They have what we need and unfortunately, there is a bit of hazing to get it. I suppose, if my self esteem were stronger I would look to these visits as a rite of passage but alas, I'm just not that well adjusted.

Did I fail to mention that I'm an impossible fit? Oh yea, I walk all the way to the back of the store. Passing all the pretty rosebud colored panties. All the beautiful bikinis, all the feminine spaghetti strapped everythings and take a number, as if I were at a deli, so that one of the lovely aforementioned sales associates can go to the back room and fetch me some options.

I tried something new this visit. I made an appointment. Now, c'mon, have you ever made an appointment to buy a bra? My number was up, so to speak. I had the luck in that my associate was swift and basically non judgmental. So far so good. This impression was after she had hugged me while meeting her hands behind my back in order to pass the tape measure around both my girls and then again below them. I closed my eyes in horror and hope the moment passes quickly.

Without nearly a word or grumble, she left to go and fetch me some "options" and I sat in my 4x4 cubicle half dressed and listen to the other customers battle and survive their shopping experience. Across the hall, in the next cubicle, is a a customer who is also more mature. She is accompanied by her nurse/assistant. I hear her sales associate bicker with her regarding the green of the Chicago River this weekend. People will do ANYTHING to avoid discussing the fit of these items for sale. The conversation gets a bit huffy until the nurse/assistant puts a stop to all the crankiness and bursts both their bubbles. "The river is turned green by the use of orange dye", she informs the, and then changes the subject to requesting another size from the sales associate.

I sit and continue to wait for my sales person to return from the "booby back room" and my attention is now diverted to the mother daughter duo in the next fitting room. They are discussing how tight and short the mothers bathing suit should be and not in the good giggly kind of way. I quickly get bored by them and am surprised when I'm actually thankful my sales person has returned.

I always forget about the excessive "manhandling" that goes "hand in hand" (great pun if I do say so myself) with this experience. It's sort of like giving birth...you instantly forget all the icky stuff from labor. Anyway, I'm in the thick of it while I am told why this bra isn't right or how the seamstress, another character all together, could "make" it right. Saleslady shakes me while "adjusting" the garment to the point that I almost lose my balance. By golly she has done good. I'm almost impressed with her but not before I backpedal and try on 3 more choices. She leaves to take a phone call and I get a reprieve - my cell rings. I whisper, "Hi Mom, I'm in booby hell" Just by chance she is a few blocks away and with laughter in my voice I ask her if she wants to witness this brutality. Thankfully she obliges and I'm so thrilled to have backup enroute.

I sit longer than expected for Saleslady. I'm listening to the proud customer, 3 dressing rooms down from me, talk to her Saleslady. She uses a voice just loud enough for all to hear. She has the conversation I've dreamed of having for decades. And not just at this establishment. Y'know the...I've just lost so much weight and I need a whole new set of everything. Both salesperson and customer discuss the means by which the customer took to lose this weight. Saleslady gives the token job description jab "deviously insult customers while smiling and making customer second guess the insult". I'm secretly happy that customer has to deal with the same discomfort as the rest of us but also feel the angst that her discomfort would be more comfortable than my current situation. I'm elated to hear Mom call my name. "In here" I say, and in an instant I catch her up on all that has taken place.

Mom has been through this ordeal more decades than me and I tell her that for the first time I'm thrilled I don't have a daughter. To spare another human from this experience is such a gift. She gives me the tilted head, eyes closed, half nod. We both know she's right and that having a daughter to share all that she and I have shared would be a gift beyond belief but I can't let myself have that discussion with myself nor her at this particular juncture.

My Saleslady returns and I actually leave with 3 items. Two of which are for working out. The others are on backorder and I save myself the aggravation and the possibility of having to return to the store. My frugal self smartens up and decides to pay to have them shipped. Plus, I always like to see peoples facial expressions at work when they deliver a box that has SoANDSos Intimate Apparel written on it.

All in all it was a pretty good visit. Not the worst I've had. A few good laughs and then a nice lunch with Mom. If nothing else...It was an excellent experience for blogging material.

The Perfect Shade

I was getting ready to go out last night. While doing so, my older son was sitting on the counter in the bathroom. He loves to hold the hairdryer. I love when he doesn't burn my scalp. Anyway, I was at work all day and hadn't seen him and was happy to have this time together.

What I loved the most was that when he came into my room the TV was on. I told him that I'd love for him to hang out with me while I got ready so that we could spend some time together before I left. His baby blues popped open and said, "We can play", which initially broke my heart and then it quickly mended as I said, "OK, TV on or off?" He, without hesitation said, "off". We are not a huge TV family...especially the kids. (15-20 minutes here and there)

We had such a nice time just chatting about our days and getting caught up. He has always wanted to put on my makeup...I've always said no. I don't know if it is because I was nervous he might like it too much...which sounds totally ridiculous, he's 4...or if I was being so cranky and didn't want to clean up the mess. Or both. This time I was way more relaxed...perhaps from all of my recent working out. He was so careful to not only be gentle with the angle of each lipstick but in picking the correct shade. Times like these just make me want to give him more space to be a kid.

This kid thing is a short run and I was too quick to grow up. I think I actually avoided being a kid as much as possible. Sometimes I think I'm experiencing being a kid with my kids. It's fun and I find that when I give them the courage, trust and safety to be carefree...there is no friction when we have to change gears and transition to something else. THAT is a beautiful thing!

What have you learned from your kids?

Support as it SHOULD be

I had the recent opportunity to join someone at their "anonymous" meeting. It really doesn't matter which version of the 12-steps they follow just that they have found a way to commit to themselves. Tonight they earned recognition from their 12-step peers for keeping that commitment going for 12 years. 12 years of following their program. 12 years of turning around an unhealthy lifestyle they actually enjoyed, but couldn't justify any longer. 12 years of living a fresh & clean, day in and day out existence.

I didn't know any of the other 50+ members at this meeting. They were from all walks of life. Big, tall, heavy, thin, black, white, Asian, men & women. The destruction and battle they all shared was the same. They all understood each others pains, struggles and doubts. They all deeply cared about one another and knew where how those doubts manifested themselves. Some expressed being able to follow their program successfully for just this one day....others for 30, 60 and 90 days. The someone I accompanied had 12 years of magical growth, stamina and perseverance. I am so proud of them. I am so proud of every one of the people in that room who made a clear commitment to take steps to be the best person they could be.

It made me think...I should clearly re-commit my lifestyle changes to me. The support system that this group provided to each other was genuine. They didn't shake hands...they hugged. They didn't want to fix each other, they only wanted to make support available to each member as this was their grounding element to keep them on the right path. I'm so honored to have been able to feel and witness the support that fellow humans can give and receive. On one hand it's sad that I had to be reminded that that was a missing element in today's rushed world. On the other hand...What a wonderful concept support is. Trust me, whether it's hosiery, peers or family. We all need to be believed in and caught every now and again...supported!

This all reminds me of the idea that it takes a village to raise a family. This group of 12-steppers went one step further....they turned their battle around and continued to commit to "keep coming back".